panic

thankfully i'm headed to a midwives' appointment this morning.

i've had insomnia throughout the pregnancy, but last night was something else. (it's 5:30 am and should still be 'tonight', actually.) i'm really miserably uncomfortable, and the heating pad and tylenol have done nothing. i usually haven't been in pain to the point that i can't sleep, and i certainly haven't been in pain to the point of tears until now. i know the hormones are going bezerk right now - my skin's breaking out again, i can feel that i'm getting ready to lactate again - but i'm not going to be able to get through much more of this. supposedly, this isn't labor yet. we had 'childbirth refresher class' over the weekend, where my main concern was being able to recognize labor since i didn't go through it at all last time.

i worked sunday and although i'm scheduled for several more shifts between now and the 17th - which i though was a safe end-date for working, when i was due mid-jan - i think i'm going to have to bail.

a not-so-small part of me is hoping that they either tell me i'm dilating and this will be over very soon, or for some reason they feel they should schedule a delivery well before the end of the month. as it is, i'm worried about keeping myself together this morning while getting boo ready for school and getting him to class. i could handle it if i didn't have to talk to anyone, but running the phalanx of kindergarten moms asking me how i am doing is a little more than i can deal with right now. that balls into the horrible feeling of disappointment i have about how that's gone, socially - it's a tense and divided group, essentially split between those who put up with Disastified Mom's crap and those who seek to avoid it - and I think that if we weren't all tiptoeing around the toxic one, some better friendships might have been made. As it stands now, however, I don't feel like I can call on anyone for help in that group, ang g-d knows nobody's offered any. Maybe if anyone had said, hey, what are your plans for boo when you're in the hospital delivering, can I help with that, I'd feel a hell of a lot better. Or at least able to tolerate a half-dozen half-hearted 'how are you feeling' queries every freaking morning.

6 am now. maybe i can feign some sleep for an hour.