Tuesday, February 28, 2006

googling oneself

so i googled myself, just to see what's floating out there about me.

one reference to my work in EPW.
lots of references to my jewelry.
a couple of assignments from library school - the only evidence that i might be a librarian.

i am an indian pilot
i am a dead german shepherd.

how 'bout you?

oh, patron, i'm so soy - i mean sorry

Cruel trick of the world: those who require information on the Test Of English as a Foreign Language usually have the worst pronunciation of it. Thus, a patron needing TOEFL sometimes gets asked if he wants books on tofu.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

je parlez dirrrrty

once in a great while, something happens to me at work that makes everything pale by comparison. in this case, i received an invitation to a 'jazz appreciation month reception' at la maison francaise. wine, buffet and live performance, sans combien le couvert.

the event itself was great. massive tables loaded with cheeses and bread, wine poured nonestop, great music, networking with people who would be great to be in touch with when we plan the jazz history programs for next fiscal year (okay, i won't be there, but i didn't mention that...). and all the fun nervous prep of deciding what to wear, and should i brush up on some french.

i'm something of an armchair linguaphile, having studied spanish, hindi and hebrew. i now find that i sometimes spout a homebrewed esperanto combining the three. i pick up languages quickly, so i figure, why not, i can check out a 'french for tourists' cd and phrasebook and do a quick study before going to the french embassy.

cd has some handy 'my name is...' 'pleased to meet you....' 'what is your name?' kinds of phrases. the accompanying phrasebook, on the other hand....

i look in a section tabbed 'social', figuring this is where the handy stuff would be. here's a sample of what's in there:

tu es de quel signe? what star sign are you?
tu danses vraiment bien. you're a fantastic dancer.
puis-je te raccompagner? can i take you home?
est-ce que tu as un fetiche? do you have a fetish?

2 pages later in the guide:

je veux faire l'amour avec toi. i want to make love to you.
on va utiliser (un preservatif) let's use (a condom). - notice how you're given a fill-in-the-blank option!

n'arrete pas! don't stop!
baise-moi... plus vite/plus fort/plus doucement/moins fort fuck me... faster/harder/slower/softer

chouette alors! oh yeah!
vas-y mollo! easy, tiger!
je viens. i'm coming.
t'inquiete pas, je fais ca tout seul. don't worry, i'll do it myself.
c'etait... excellent/super/bizarre that was... amazing/great/weird.

on the next page, there are the phrases for 'let's move in together!' and 'will you marry me?' on the top. bottom of the page (and these are small pages, about 3x6 inches):

il y a quelqu'un d'autre? are you seeing someone else?
je ne suis qu'un objet sexuel pour toi. you're just using me for sex.
je ne veux plus te revoir. i never want to see you again.

ah, lonely planet indeed. and no, i didn't wind up speaking a single word of french.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

another post about email and moving

(an email from an old college friend, sent to the small group of friends from college who i still keep in touch with. jeff and his partner live in seattle.)

Sarah, I cannot continue in good conscience with this charade any longer. We have to tell everyone.

Folks, for the past few years, Sarah & I have had a torrid, steamy love affair. I won't bore you with the details, as the film will be available on DVD in a few weeks thanks to Paris Hilton's production company, but suffice it to say that it was, as Miss Hilton describes it, "hot." I say "was" because we have both agreed that it's over.

Sarah and I eventually broke it off, knowing that it simply couldn't last. There were too many obstacles in our way. Sarah was always most concerned about the risk of hurting or even losing our loved ones and the damage that it could cause to our own friendship. I never quite got over her complete lack of a penis.

And, of course, all that other stuff: loved ones, friendship, yadda yadda....

So anyway, as you can all see, this upcoming move to Oregon is really just a cover. We tried to quit each other cold-turkey, but it just didn't work. Nor did the patch. We finally sat down together and decided that the only way to end our affair once and for all was to wean ourselves off of it in measured steps. That being the case, the only rational, logical thing to do was for Sarah and her family to completely uproot themselves and move to Portland. This way, we're both NEAR each other here in the Northwest, but not actually TOGETHER in the same state. Just so everyone is on the same page, here's a quick run-down of the remainder of the moving schedule Sarah & I worked out for her family:

- after six years in Portland, they will move further south, either to California or Arizona.

- four years later they will move to Montana or Colorado

- two years later they will move to North Carolina or Florida

Beyond that, we both agreed that it would be best to maintain as much distance as possible between ourselves to prevent a re-kindling of our forbidden passion. With that in mind, should Sing Bing and I ever decide to move from the Seattle area, I will inform Sarah no less than six weeks in advance, at which time she will move her family to the furthest possible geographic point on the globe from our intended destination. Should these measures still prove to be inadequate, Sarah and her family will immediately quit whatever their current employment is at the time and begin a rigorous course in astronaut training. Once certified, they will investigate the civilian potential for space exploration and colonization.

So there it is. I know this will probably be a shock to most of you, and for that I apologize. I just couldn't bear to keep you all in the dark any longer. As you can see, though, Sarah and I have put a lot of thought into things and come up with a solution that we, as rational adults, feel addresses the problem in a straightforward manner and offers the only viable solution.

Thank you all for your continued friendship and support as we work through this.

- Jeff


(a great email to open while your husband stands behind you, affectionately rubbing your neck!)

Friday, February 17, 2006

email from my boss

Woe is me – to have received your actual letter of resignation. Boo hoo!

i also told one of my favorite patrons, who i've talked about in earlier posts. i didn't want him hearing about my departure through the rumor mill. his face just fell. i felt awful.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

i. don't. want. to. work. tonight.

yeah. nothin' like being in the liberry on valentines until 9 pm. and probably later thanks to some parents who won't pick up their kids on time.

really wish i could wear a 'don't fuck with me' shirt. or even 'don't mess with me'. 'don't ask me a single thing about my personal life' or 'don't even make eye contact' would work, too.

Monday, February 13, 2006

hide and seek

things i need to pack away before potential buyers tour my house:

any political books, ie 'the bush survival bible' and 'don't think of an elephant', let alone letha scanzoni's book 'what god has brought together', a brilliant christian pro-gay marriage book
kosher cookbooks
vegetarian cookbooks
feminist magazines and books
indian cookbooks
indian clothing
indian folkart
yoga/meditation stuff
any pictures of us, an interracial couple
any pictures of my husband and his brown skin
jewish books
jewish ritual objects like kiddish cups, menorahs and dreidels
any books in other languages, ie hindi or hebrew (it ain't our way of writing, must be arabic!)
and the can of 'ronzo repellant' with reagan's picture on it that my dad made for me when i went to choir camp. ("ingredients: snake oil, essence of voodoo economics, teflon. guaranteed ineffective. spray on nearest democrat.")

and you wonder why we are happy to get out of here??

Monday, February 06, 2006

emo kid

"you broke my heart, mommy. you broke my heart, you crushed my heart, you smashed my heart." (i have no idea how i did this, btw, since he wasn't upset when he said it.)


i will not check work email on my day off. i will not check work email on my day off. i will not check work email on my day off. i will not check work email on my day off. i will not check work email on my day off. i will not check work email on my day off.

i work 20 hours a week. the email can wait until i'm being paid to read it. i feel tethered and annoyed and i've set myself up for it.

Friday, February 03, 2006

dear patron

i don't want to see the word 'love' in pink crystals on the top of your thong underwear, peering up over the back of your lowrise jeans. i'm a librarian. my eyes go to words wherever they are. i don't need to see this. ever.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


i just got a new librarian hired. this is a process that takes months, between the several weeks it takes county HR to put the vacancy announcement up, resumes to get from them to us, interviews scheduled and completed, paperwork done, hiring approved, training scheduled.

i hired someone in september to replace a librarian who left in june. she left within a week to take a full-time job elsewhere. it took until jan 16 to get that replacement's replacement. WHO JUST GAVE NOTICE, last day of work feb 8.

which means, since i'm leaving too, i will be spending my remaining time trying to get another hiring process underway when what i would rather do is smooth out as much programming and other things in advance for MY replacement.

at least the system director said it was a bummer that i was leaving. and when i asked him who he knew in my about-to-be location, he said, "oh, the director."