(an email from an old college friend, sent to the small group of friends from college who i still keep in touch with. jeff and his partner live in seattle.)
Sarah, I cannot continue in good conscience with this charade any longer. We have to tell everyone.
Folks, for the past few years, Sarah & I have had a torrid, steamy love affair. I won't bore you with the details, as the film will be available on DVD in a few weeks thanks to Paris Hilton's production company, but suffice it to say that it was, as Miss Hilton describes it, "hot." I say "was" because we have both agreed that it's over.
Sarah and I eventually broke it off, knowing that it simply couldn't last. There were too many obstacles in our way. Sarah was always most concerned about the risk of hurting or even losing our loved ones and the damage that it could cause to our own friendship. I never quite got over her complete lack of a penis.
And, of course, all that other stuff: loved ones, friendship, yadda yadda....
So anyway, as you can all see, this upcoming move to Oregon is really just a cover. We tried to quit each other cold-turkey, but it just didn't work. Nor did the patch. We finally sat down together and decided that the only way to end our affair once and for all was to wean ourselves off of it in measured steps. That being the case, the only rational, logical thing to do was for Sarah and her family to completely uproot themselves and move to Portland. This way, we're both NEAR each other here in the Northwest, but not actually TOGETHER in the same state. Just so everyone is on the same page, here's a quick run-down of the remainder of the moving schedule Sarah & I worked out for her family:
- after six years in Portland, they will move further south, either to California or Arizona.
- four years later they will move to Montana or Colorado
- two years later they will move to North Carolina or Florida
Beyond that, we both agreed that it would be best to maintain as much distance as possible between ourselves to prevent a re-kindling of our forbidden passion. With that in mind, should Sing Bing and I ever decide to move from the Seattle area, I will inform Sarah no less than six weeks in advance, at which time she will move her family to the furthest possible geographic point on the globe from our intended destination. Should these measures still prove to be inadequate, Sarah and her family will immediately quit whatever their current employment is at the time and begin a rigorous course in astronaut training. Once certified, they will investigate the civilian potential for space exploration and colonization.
So there it is. I know this will probably be a shock to most of you, and for that I apologize. I just couldn't bear to keep you all in the dark any longer. As you can see, though, Sarah and I have put a lot of thought into things and come up with a solution that we, as rational adults, feel addresses the problem in a straightforward manner and offers the only viable solution.
Thank you all for your continued friendship and support as we work through this.
(a great email to open while your husband stands behind you, affectionately rubbing your neck!)