Wednesday, February 22, 2006

je parlez dirrrrty

once in a great while, something happens to me at work that makes everything pale by comparison. in this case, i received an invitation to a 'jazz appreciation month reception' at la maison francaise. wine, buffet and live performance, sans combien le couvert.

the event itself was great. massive tables loaded with cheeses and bread, wine poured nonestop, great music, networking with people who would be great to be in touch with when we plan the jazz history programs for next fiscal year (okay, i won't be there, but i didn't mention that...). and all the fun nervous prep of deciding what to wear, and should i brush up on some french.

i'm something of an armchair linguaphile, having studied spanish, hindi and hebrew. i now find that i sometimes spout a homebrewed esperanto combining the three. i pick up languages quickly, so i figure, why not, i can check out a 'french for tourists' cd and phrasebook and do a quick study before going to the french embassy.

cd has some handy 'my name is...' 'pleased to meet you....' 'what is your name?' kinds of phrases. the accompanying phrasebook, on the other hand....

i look in a section tabbed 'social', figuring this is where the handy stuff would be. here's a sample of what's in there:

tu es de quel signe? what star sign are you?
tu danses vraiment bien. you're a fantastic dancer.
puis-je te raccompagner? can i take you home?
est-ce que tu as un fetiche? do you have a fetish?

2 pages later in the guide:

je veux faire l'amour avec toi. i want to make love to you.
on va utiliser (un preservatif) let's use (a condom). - notice how you're given a fill-in-the-blank option!

n'arrete pas! don't stop!
baise-moi... plus vite/plus fort/plus doucement/moins fort fuck me... faster/harder/slower/softer

chouette alors! oh yeah!
vas-y mollo! easy, tiger!
je viens. i'm coming.
t'inquiete pas, je fais ca tout seul. don't worry, i'll do it myself.
c'etait... excellent/super/bizarre that was... amazing/great/weird.

on the next page, there are the phrases for 'let's move in together!' and 'will you marry me?' on the top. bottom of the page (and these are small pages, about 3x6 inches):

il y a quelqu'un d'autre? are you seeing someone else?
je ne suis qu'un objet sexuel pour toi. you're just using me for sex.
je ne veux plus te revoir. i never want to see you again.

ah, lonely planet indeed. and no, i didn't wind up speaking a single word of french.


Tony said...

Well, that beats the web site I found while looking for a kind Polish word to say to a departing colleague — though the site I found retains a certain dadaist charm.

For example, my own little Polish drama:
- Jestem w ciąży. Mogę Cię pocałować? Nie mogę bez Ciebie żyć! Porozmawiajmy.
- I'm pregnant. May I kiss you? I can't live without
you! Let's discuss it

Mind you this is not what I wrote on the card to my colleague. I settled for "powodzenia" — "good luck".

John said...

Somewhere in the middle of my taking 5 years of French during middle school and high school, I was gifted with a copy of Merde! This was a fantastic supplement to my standard textbook education in French.